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Chinedu Unaka http://chineduunaka.com Comedian Writer Actor Tue, 12 Dec 2017 02:55:08 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.1.21 Interview With Bunch Magazine http://chineduunaka.com/interview-with-bunch-magazine/ http://chineduunaka.com/interview-with-bunch-magazine/#comments Thu, 05 May 2016 19:06:41 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=2962 Thanks to Bunch magazine and Lizzy Okoro for the cover!

http://www.bunchmag.com/storiess/chinedu-unaka

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Performing for the troops in the Middle East http://chineduunaka.com/performing-for-the-troops-in-the-middle-east/ http://chineduunaka.com/performing-for-the-troops-in-the-middle-east/#comments Tue, 18 Aug 2015 23:21:37 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=2725 →  Read Post]]> Hello CREW. I just got back recently from Egypt, Greece and Jordan performing for the troops overseas in the Middle East! What an amazing and humbling experience and opportunity. I got to see and enjoy three countries, yes, but the most enjoyable part was bringing some laughter, joy and a piece of home to our troops who are stationed so far away from theres. I would like to thank every soldier that we met for their hospitality, positive energy and stories. IMG_1183

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My Thoughts: Donald Sterling http://chineduunaka.com/my-thoughts-donald-sterling/ http://chineduunaka.com/my-thoughts-donald-sterling/#comments Wed, 30 Apr 2014 18:00:26 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=2140 →  Read Post]]> Here are my thoughts on Donald Sterling, some were made when the news first broke, others in between, and a couple after Donald Sterling was banned for life from attending his JOB? Giving him 2 billion on the way out. Sounds like Donald kind of won in this case.

 

Oh yeah it’s tweet style as in it’s only 140 characters or less. Have fun.

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Thanks for coming to my Birthday Show! http://chineduunaka.com/thanks-for-coming-to-my-birthday-show/ http://chineduunaka.com/thanks-for-coming-to-my-birthday-show/#comments Sat, 09 Feb 2013 19:05:34 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=979 →  Read Post]]>

 

Thank you all for making my birthday show a sold out success; it was a really great time. I got to see a lot of old faces from college, high school, and met plenty of new friends. In addition, we were able to raise money for Lung Cancer Research in honor of my friend Roy Russell IV, who passed away from his battle last year.

I hope everyone got home safely.

Much love to you all – remember life is short, nothing like a birthday to remind you of that simple fact – so keep having FUNny!

p.s. Aquarius people rock (just felt like the right thing to say?)!

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Why I VOTE, but don’t care? http://chineduunaka.com/why-i-vote-but-dont-care/ http://chineduunaka.com/why-i-vote-but-dont-care/#comments Tue, 18 Sep 2012 07:11:03 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=583 →  Read Post]]> I vote like any other good fellow American who hasn’t committed a felony should, but I’m pretty sure I don’t care.
…Let me explain. I care, but I know, unlike American Idol, the democratic process of electing a president of the US doesn’t actually care for my opinion. It’s the electoral vote that actually matters. The popular vote feels like a mechanism tossed at citizens to keep order through a false sense of significant participation.

It’s like the way a 5th grade teacher offers an out of control student with ADHD options to either complete 1-7 first or 8-14 so he feels like he had a say so in what he’ll be doing for the next hour and a half. That way hopefully he won’t begin to resist and instead feel a sense of power when truthfully *whispers* he never held any power to begin with. Honestly, if the kid thought about it he’ll realize he never wanted to do any of the problems in the first place; rather he would love to go outside and do some hands on learning about snails and tater tots soaked in cafeteria issued chocolate milk.

With that said, with great power comes great responsibility, and honestly many people aren’t too responsible. So it’s a bit of a catch 22.

So why? Why do I vote? 4 main reasons

1. I’m ‘black.’ Its no secret, black people had to take it to the face, literally, (ah la Mississippi and Alabama fire hoses) to get rights that we’re naturally granted to others born in this country. Thus, whether I believe in the system or not I owe it to my ancestors to vote – after all there is a picture hanging in my dad’s house of my older uncle donating a piece of his booty meat to a Canine outside of a southern state voting hall.

2. To let the powers that be know that yes – we’re ‘awake’ (laying in bed watching TV awake, sure, but awake nevertheless): watching, reading, and listening. A lot of times you only get good customer service if you ask for it. For example, if you and others didn’t demand and or expect that hotel rooms be cleaned before you checked in – you would catch yourself spending your first night in a room littered with dirty pampers; which is weird because you always wear a condom before you ‘exercise’ so you’re pretty sure that’s not your baby’s doing. Companies, restaurants, etc. will do the least if you allow the least, same thing goes for our government. So voting is like saying ‘yeah we’ll take your shit, but you will NOT piss on us too!’

3. Hard not to! SHEESH! The commercials, the t-shirts, the booths on every corner, the college sophomores taking poli-sci classes that still believe they can save the world! So many reminders! So many bumper stickers! So many guilt trips! It’s harder not to vote these days then it is to just say f*ck it and walk into a booth and pick the black guy.

4. And most importantly complaining about politics can be really fun and bring people together – like at dinner parties and over lunch at work; but you can’t complain if you don’t vote! Well you can, but you look and smell like a dick if you do.

Don’t smell like a dick – VOTE this year!

This message was approved by no one.

-Chinedu Unaka

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Starbucks Is CRACK Coffee http://chineduunaka.com/starbucks-is-crack-coffee/ http://chineduunaka.com/starbucks-is-crack-coffee/#comments Mon, 20 Aug 2012 19:52:12 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=282 →  Read Post]]> Starbucks Is Crack Coffee

Usually when a suspicious looking person on the street with white powder surrounding their mouth asks me for $1.65 cents “for something to eat” I assumed they might be on drugs or that they eat baby powder, which is usually an indication that someone is on drugs. . This time was different. I gave LeRoy (he had a name tag on attached to his overalls…weird) a dollar and carried on down the ave. When I returned he was back on the corner drinking a Starbucks Frappuccino, shaking more than ever!  What is going on here? What is making Starbucks so damn good? So addicting!?

 

I don’t understand the long lines inside of Starbucks sometimes, especially because Starbucks is extremely over priced. In Airports they don’t even bother to follow suit with other companies and raise their prices as every other store and restaurant, because they are already horribly inflated.

 

Just the other day, I bought an Iced coffee with no coffee for $5.75! That’s ridiculous! At that price I should be putting macchiatos in my gas tank and drinking gas before work. Either way, we should not be coughing up that much money for coffee on a Saturday afternoon when most of us don’t have shit to do! What is wrong with me! What is wrong with you! What is wrong with LeRoy! What is wrong with us! *Wipes fallen tear from keyboard*

 

I know people who drink Starbucks after just waking up from a 3 hour nap! Why!!! Is it the funny names like Macchiato and Frappuccino that keeps us coming back? That keeps us feeling cool, feeling like a Star w/ plenty of Bucks? Is Starbucks more about a statement than it is a cup of Joe? Is their cocaine in my Starbucks? Is Colombia giving Starbucks the old fashion two for one deal at the port of New Orleans? That wooooould explain why their is a Starbucks ON EVERY DAMN CORNER, bullying the mom and pop shops like The Coffee Bean and Dunkin’ Donuts! Believe it or not, I actually seen a Starbucks inside of a Starbucks inside of an Elementary School!

 

I’m truly concerned, because I am actually complaining about Starbucks while sitting inside of a Starbucks!? I need to go.

*closes laptop*

 

Lets leave LeRoy.

 

-Chinedu Unaka


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The AGGRESSIVE Man Working In The Bathroom http://chineduunaka.com/the-aggressive-man-working-in-the-bathroom/ http://chineduunaka.com/the-aggressive-man-working-in-the-bathroom/#comments Tue, 24 Apr 2012 19:59:02 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=290 →  Read Post]]> How many missed HW assignments and drug charges does it take for a 40 yr old man to find himself passing out paper towels to perfectly able bodies in a dance or concert club’s bathroom?

 

That’s usually all I can think about as I rinse my hands off inside a club’s bathroom trying to avoid eye contact with the tip jar; that and me wondering why the hell is there fun size chocolate readily available in a public restroom? Gum I get, lotion makes sense, even mints, but Hershey’s chocolate? Milk chocolate is the reason why I’m here (s/o to all my lactose intolerant readers).

 

This piece was inspired by an overly aggressive bathroom waiter (is that the term?) working at the Dom Kennedy concert in Santa Ana. I over heard him talking small talk about football with someone at the sink as I was taking a piss. The guy finishes washing his hands and exits. The aggressive bathroom guy then says out loud to himself “mother fucker making all that conversation but not tipping. The jar is there for a reason.”

 

UhhhhhhWHAT?

 

I’m thinking wooooow! Calm down bathroom waiter. He acts as if he wiped the guy’s behind or held his penis upright…You passed him a paper towel, not even a soft paper towel, but damn near construction paper….a paper construction towel he could have easily gotten himself.

 

What does the restroom man application process look like anyway? Is their mandatory training to improve paper passing speed and to be able to remain still in horrible stenches without leaving your post?

 

Don’t get me wrong I can respect any man trying to make a dollar. No problem, but the tip jar equipped with high expectations throws me for a loop? I don’t get it. Did he bring the lotion from his own home? Did he do something special to these paper towels? Will these paper towels guarantee I don’t leave home alone tonight? If not then what’s the point?

 

That’s like me eating lunch and someone walks over and offers to massage my jaw to aid the beginning of my food digestion, thanks but no thanks. – I think I can take it from here.

 

-Chinedu Unaka

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President Obama Calls Kanye West A Jackass…AGAIN!!! http://chineduunaka.com/president-obama-calls-kanye-west-a-jackassagain/ http://chineduunaka.com/president-obama-calls-kanye-west-a-jackassagain/#comments Fri, 20 Apr 2012 19:58:21 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=288 →  Read Post]]> H*ll Yes!

 

According to E! Obama, was recently asked who he likes better as a rapper: Jay-Z or Kanye West. After choosing Jay-Z, Obama said that Kanye was a smart and talented guy, but “he is [still] a jackass.”

 

Let me explain why I was very excited to hear this statement. Not because I think Kanye is an actual jackass or that I think Kanye looks like a donkey or that donkeys don’t get enough media attention. My joy has nothing to do with animals or Kanye. I am excited that President Obama is attempting to be a real person. I love when Obama makes a little joke about pop culture or when he visits ESPN and gives delusional predictions of the Bulls winning the playoffs or gets caught checking out some Brazilian booty in another country. I say let our free world leaders breathe.

 

People love criticizing every move of the President. “Why Obama has to put on his LEFT shoe before his RIGHT shoe? Why does the RIGHT shoe can’t ever come first? What happen to all the compromise he promised…blah blah blah?” ST*U.

 

If we let Obama be Obama then Obama can do a better job being president; but when you make a man paranoid about everything he says and does it’s hard to think and talk straight.

 

Who cares if Obama jokingly or seriously thinks Kanye is a Jackass? Kanye West himself thinks Kanye is a jackass. For all we know, Obama also probably thinks Lady Gaga does hard drugs, Chris Tucker should put out another Friday movie, and that Beyonce gluteus is greater than her voice.

 

We make our presidents so paranoid they can’t give us straight answers, because they feel the majority of the world will not know how to take it. So when you ask Obama “When will the economy be strong again?” He gives you a 2 hr speech when really all he wants to say is… “I have no idea actually, but I got a team of really nerdy people busting their ass upstairs as we speak; locked in a large office with 31 pots of coffee and 400 calculators…next question.”

 

-Chinedu Unaka

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Is Kobe SELFISH Sometimes? http://chineduunaka.com/is-kobe-selfish-sometimes/ http://chineduunaka.com/is-kobe-selfish-sometimes/#comments Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:59:28 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=292 →  Read Post]]> Are oranges better than apples? Exactly. It’s hard to tell. On one hand I’m rooting for Kobe even when he ‘ball hogs.’ I feel I owe him so much respect as a TRUE Laker fan. On the other hand is the remote, and I’m struggling not to launch it through my old school big booty TV when he doesn’t feed Bynum and Gasol the ball more times down the floor! That is where Lakers advantage lies – period, especially against the top teams.

 

Sometimes I feel Kobe isn’t ball hogging on purpose, maybe his mind is still living in the past when he was younger and that way of play actually worked, because he was the most athletic person on the court. But other times I have a feeling if I was to break into Kobe’s mansion he would have the scoring record circled above his bed as his true primary goal late in his career.

 

I wonder… what would Kobe choose… to either 1. win the another ring this year, BUT have Andrew Bynum or even Pau Gasol named Finals MVP?

 

Or… to lose, but have three amazing 60 point games in the Western Conference Finals?

 

I’m sure it’s the ring?

 

-Chinedu Unaka


 

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Something About Me: My FIRST JOB http://chineduunaka.com/something-about-me-my-1st-job/ http://chineduunaka.com/something-about-me-my-1st-job/#comments Fri, 20 Jan 2012 19:59:48 +0000 http://chineduunaka.com/?p=294 →  Read Post]]> Baby Gap/Gap Kids was my first job NOT my first CHOICE. I applied everywhere in high school…had a 3.6 GPA and Burger King wouldn’t even give me a 2nd interview…Over qualified maybe? I hope it wasn’t a black thing, because I wore my father’s favorite civil rights tie. I know what you’re thinking “Baby Gap? why not The Gap – creep?” Relax. I wanted to apply for The Gap, but they weren’t hiring. Figure I’ll put in a few good months at Baby Gap and before I know it I’ll be moved up to The Gap in no time. Wrong..

 

Reasons I hated working at Baby Gap/Gap Kids –

 

  1. I had to listen to the same three Jackson 5 songs everyday for 8 hours. Now I love Jackson 5 – probably more then the next person, but enough is enough. I thought I knew my ABC’s going in, but now I could go for the Guinness.

 

  1. My hands are way too big to fold baby clothes! I am 6’3” – my palms are huge! Great for folding big pieces of metal and peeling watermelons, but not so great for folding Spongebob bibs and 1st communion dresses. The only thing I could fold properly was the very husky boot cut jeans for obese boys.

 

  1. All my co-workers we’re girls. Sounds great right? Ehhh not so much… Reason, well besides my managers, my co-workers we’re all 18 and 19 year old moms that were always so excited about how big their 6 year old son or daughter was getting (you do the math).

 

-Chinedu Unaka

 

 

 

 

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